Dear Mamaw,
Oh, I knew this day was coming. But I had thought I would be writing this late at night, or at least alone. Mum is sitting on the couch with Alberto, and although they are dozing, crying wouldn't go that unnoticed for long...
Mamaw, I miss you. So, so much. I don't think there's a day that passes that I don't think of you. It's been almost a year since that dreadful day when I lost you forever. I remember it so vividly. The grogginess of being called at 6 in the morning, the slap that woke me up when Dad said you were gone then corrected himself and said you were dying. Running downstairs where Mum and Alberto had just got home from their paper route and were eating breakfast, not even able to get the words out before I just broke down crying. Mum hugging me and telling me she would take me to the hospital. Her waking Naomi, hurriedly getting dressed, picking out something nice for you, no black whatsoever, for you. That's the first time more than just my immediate family saw my pentagram. In my rush, I had forgotten to take it off. I'm glad I didn't- It helped me feel not so alone. You know, I don't think my eyes were dry the entire time I was at the hospital. Everyone else was so calm, but I was falling apart. Sissy and I really bonded that day. She was my shoulder to cry on for the small amount of time that I saw her. That day was the first time I hugged Anne. I had wanted to since I decided I liked her, but I always felt too awkward to. I remember they told me that you said Ava would be a girl. I remember telling Mum that I didn't care if the baby was a girl or boy, I just wanted you. You weren't gone at that point, but all hope was lost. You were in a coma, left alive for everyone to say their goodbyes.
I remember getting lost on the way home due to construction [We had gotten lost on the way to the hospital due to construction too.] Mum picked us up some McDonald's hash browns and got me Starbucks. As soon as I got home, I went up to my bed with a roll of toilet paper and collapsed. I fell asleep around 10, crying, drinking, and feeling so lost.
I woke up at noon, maybe it was 1, and went downstairs and got on the computer. Dad called, and I knew immediately what it was about. He told me they took you off of life support and you passed at 12:34. Such a perfect time. I wonder if they did that on purpose. 12:34 pm July 30, a part of my life ended.
I wish you could be here now. I want you to see Ava, to love her as you loved us. I want you to be at my wedding. I want you to be there for my children. I want you to teach me how to cook as well as you did. I want your recipes. Mamaw Dillon's just aren't as good as yours. I want Shayne to meet you, for him to know why you're so important to me. He stood by me as I cried at your grave the other day. They surprised me by taking me. I had barely any warning. Mamaw, Papaw, and Papaw Kirk, and Naomi were there. That was the last thing I needed. It was bad enough having Dad and Shayne there. I'm going to go back on the 30th and put a bouquet of flowers on there, just for you. I don't know if they'll be real or fake, but fake will probably be better. Your grave is going to have so many flowers from all of us that we won't even see your headstone. Your grave is already one of the most decorated graves in the cemetery.
I'll see you again in the afterlife. I love you.
Love,
Desiree
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